In a time of need, we seem to turn to the people we love most in this world. But I often wonder the reason why we all tend to feel alone during a period of hurt and sadness?
We’re all people with emotions and feelings. Some of us are better at saying how were feeling whilst some of us are better at hiding. Don’t worry if your one of the latter because so am I. Hiding has become second nature to us. People who pretend they know me, believe that my emotions lie all in my face, the way my lip starts to tremble before I show any sign of wanting to cry. That’s my tell but at the same time, I’m hiding that I’m angry and that the reason why I seem to be crying isn’t the actual reason.
I cried last week in front of my best friend over an exam score I had gotten back that I wasn’t impressed with. He looked at me with a knowing eye and asked me what was really going on. I tried lying but our five year friendship has taught us more about each other than we really wanted it to. The truth was that in the last couple of weeks a human that has the ability to manipulate my thought patterns has popped back into my life again and instead if telling him to go stick it where the sun don’t shine, I let him back in. Back into the life of Katy. It makes me unbelievably mad that I know it’s going to hurt when he leaves like he did last time. He left me alone. He left me broken and more fucked up than I was to begin with.
The worst part of all of this, is I actually missed him. In fact the worser thing is, he isn’t mine to miss and he never was. We did and said things we really shouldn’t of and now they are mistakes we now never speak about. The one time we did, I ended up in pieces and he left someone else to pick them up.
This leads me to my point. In times of need we grab onto people like they’re lifeboats. Except in my time of need, I grabbed onto a lifeboat with holes in it. Those holes are hard to fix and sometimes the lifeboat needs their life saved as well. I know we need other people to help us but eventually you need to save yourself and that’s a hard lesson to learn.
In 2017, this lesson has been something that we’ve all had to learn. My friends and I have started realising that we cannot be there for each other 100% of the time because we have different aspects of our lives that also need looking after as well. It’s been tough but in a twisted way, we’ve become a lot closer. We have the shitiest of times lately, with many events and issues making all of us feel extremely down but we’ve become each others escapes from this hateful place. And I wouldn’t want to escape with anyone but them.